Initiating the “Care Needs” Conversation: Q&A

Q: “Mom and Dad need some kind of assistance in the home because of numerous falls and not being able to summon help, but they refuse to even address this issue? What should I do?”

A: Many seniors feel like the kids are trying to take over, or they don’t want to give up independence for fear of what change is next! Often, no matter what you say, it will be like a tug of war of wills.

My advice would be to include a third party (a third cord in the rope) namely, the family doctor. The doctor can be a good ally who can listen to both sides separately and assess from a safety and health standpoint what the recommendation should be. Its funny how someone other than family can get through and sound so much more reasonable! Of course this is more likely to be a solution if the doctor has a trusted relationship with the patient.

Perhaps this way the family can discuss what they think about what the doctor has suggested and move forward. Pulling in the same direction is sure easier. I have seen this result in some good compromises.

Q. “How do I initiate the conversation with Dad about his care of Mom? He has been by her side for years but his own health is slipping and she is looking unkempt and con-fused?”

A. Parents at any age don’t like to feel like their grown kids are trying to control them! While every family has different dynamics, I find if you first reassure your parents of your love and desire to maintain their independence as much as possible, it will go smoother.

There are alternatives such as in-home, non-medical help with showering, or daily care type options that might take the constant care giving pressure off Dad.

Sometimes having a third party, such as the family doctor or me, giving information and alternatives, will lower the defensive reaction.